Looking back...

I used to write in the past, five years back and had saved few...they seem so much "me" but still different to what i am now...hehe, this is what they mean when they say "books have a great influence in forming your personality"....read on something from yesteryears...


"She observed them laugh and thought to herself how long they would get fooled by her expressions. She wondered if they knew that at the moment she was so detached that she had deliberately planned how she would react. Her silence would bother them and she didn’t welcome those questions that would follow. Her veil was being funny.

She looked outside the window to observe the strangers walking past by. It was interesting to watch their faces. Few had no expressions and few were very obvious. She had perfected her art of camouflage from these unknown. Their expressions were her practice ground.

Her friends looked at her quizzically and she knew they were awaiting her reply. She looked at them and smiled.

The moment her door closed behind the crazy world, her head hung down and her eyes closed. She was relieved to be lonely and the silence caught her attention. She walked into the room and stood by the window looking at the dark sky. Her eyes searched for something to enrapture her.

Her eyes expressed her confusion for the first time. The confusion was replaced by sadness that she was not happy with the normality. She had lost interest in her surroundings and she was indifferent to being alive or dead. Sad state of existence, she thought.

She wondered what would revive life into her. She never believed in relationships. Does the future hold someone who could stir her emotions? She laughed at the idea of her trusting someone to change her life. The irrevocable control comes from self and not others.

She sometimes would muse why she never seemed content with normal feelings and expectations. She never believed that life is what others define. She wanted to know the real purpose of her being in existence.

She sought relief from this monotonous existence. She wanted to stop believing and just experience what comes ahead. Now her mind started querying if she knew what she wanted. There was something beyond her grasp and the quest to explore it seems as exciting as it frustrates. Her reactions to situations were the sole lessons she wanted to learn and exploration was her only survival tactic.

Her way of thinking was unusually romantic. She wondered if she should stick to a form or be formless to adapt to situations. Her traits and her behaviors were suppose to reflect her character. But she wondered who the audience was? Did it really impact them and so what if it did?

Man made the rules on aspect of what he learnt from his wrongdoings. He experienced life through the learning process but not after discovering. It was unfair on society to curb people with these inordinate rules that bound them with fear and mere survival.

Mere rules do not define life. Life is all about being fearless and making mistakes, not deliberately but unconsciously. Nobody experiences life unless they question everything around them. Nothing is taken for granted. Mere life defined by forced belief and predefined way of living was the root cause for abysmal sadness."

how to make it right?

They say a smile can make the difference...just an upward tilt of your lips, not much of an effort but why does it feel so tough to do it? why do we hesitate to take the first step, fearing failure and disappointment.

It had always been easy to emote when i was younger...easier to utter the word 'sorry'. Now i feel the word "sorry" is not enough to repair relationships...a more courageous approach is needed. but do i have the strength to mend it or will i back out fearing criticism, pain and frustration of being unsuccessful...what brings into mind now is the saying that being brave does not mean you do not fear but you realize that something is more important than fear to achieve it. will it work in my case? a question that would find its answer in less than two weeks...

Myth: Being Aloof

I felt desolate when he waved and took the last turn into the lounge, away from us but moving on to the next exciting phase of his life...I saw my parents cringing to catch a last sight of him as he departed and tears forming in my mother's eye. Till that moment, everything was hustle bustle with running, screaming, hurriedly packing, cursing and as it goes emotions haywire...but the journey back home was unusually quiet with each person absorbed in their thoughts, not wanting to disturb the serenity...the only soul to catch up some sleep that early morning was me...the woman open with her emotions and the man unusually quiet with a lost look...no words from me could get rid of their anxiety.

Then came the so much expected call from him...gone were the hours we could chat but now it would be just few minutes but more precious than ever....we tried deciphering the undertone of his conversation to sense if he was happy or not...we assured each other that he was fine when one felt the doubt...my dad would not let go of his phone, what if the son called and he missed it...the atmosphere was gloomy and i had no power nor the zest to cheer them up.

I felt they would remain as such, missing him and constantly worried about his wellbeing...but as every cloud has a silver lining...he called home one day, excited about the new life there-college, home, friends and the beautiful country...at that moment, i saw the flow of energy in the family...my dad's voice recovered its usual strength, my mom could smile and their excitement was abundant when they discussed about him...they felt assured and happy. Though i was not there to see it, i know my uncle would have gone through the same emotions probably missing him more than any of us did.

Then it striked me that we can lament about being independent, growing up and taking responsibilities, working and moving on from one phase to another leading us away from our family, caught up in the excitement of our yourthful life, success and failures, relationships and friends but what keeps us going is the knowledge that we are not alone in this world. There is always a family, perfect or not, calm or noisy, cohesive or broken...doesnt matter how it seems...but the family is always there to love and forgive you instantly, protect and care for you and more than anything else, make you feel worthy and truly blessed.

we can be of the sternest nature, not wanting to be vulnerable and remain aloof but emotions cannot be held back, whether expressed or not, when it concerns your loved ones...yesterday, while conversing with my brother, he expressed how life would change for him now...find his place in this world. His constant need to know if the family is fine and constant assurance that he is happy there though he misses home showed the transition from being just my kid brother to a man of responsibility...then it happened...i felt the tears in my eyes and the true distance between us...i realized that remaining aloof is a myth and no human can be a character in the book of ayn rand...what made me realize it, well...

we ended the conversation for the first time in our lives saying we miss each other:)

Language...not a barrier

Never has it been and never could it be a barrier...

now i believe language does not dissect the regions simply because of a live example in the form of my close friend...though we both are south indians (there are still too many languages here), we are from two different regions...relatively since i grew in the same state as her, i knew tamil but we have always communicated 90% in english and 10% in tamil...she is a music buff, loves to sing and has a great passion in identifying some cool songs...like a trendsetter...we follow her lead, listen to the song and obviously end up falling in love with it...

Just too many in western/tamil (she loves classical but that she would not force on us)...one fine day, she tells me "hey, i love this song, you got to hear it" and i wait patiently for her to mention another english beat that would add on to my favorites (contribution mostly from her)..."that thing you do" to recent "accidently in love"...in her usual quirky way, she starts humming it...by now am not sure and patiently await for her to wake up from her trance and state the name of the song...but guess what, it sounds like an indian filmy song...well, i still keep thinking, probably hindi/tamil...then she says, "can you identify it?" and i see stars...she keeps saying its the movie khadgam...still i cant figure out which language it is, cant blame me, most of the words are common across languages...few more clues "sonali bendre?", "song shot in abroad?", "love song?" and unfortunately i still cannot figure out... finally she loses patience and says, "its a TELUGU song".


"WELL, How did my friend ever hear a telugu song and what did she understand to add it to her favorite list...being a telugite, i could not even figure this cool song"...i promise to find the song's name and hear it...i did that, the song was beautiful and amazing lyrics (mushy, but we are girls:) )...i fell in love with it...I asked her, "how did you decide its good and romantic?"...she says "the rhythm, music and emotions in the video convey the meaning...you do not need to know the meaning of the words":)

I realized my friend just did not contribute yet another song but some valuable initiation of thought process...yes, it sounds like a very simple and normal day to day interaction between friends but i did realize that so called barriers laid by society in form of caste, language, culture disappear when its all about rhythm and emotions...RIGHT?

Etched forever and ever...

I started off from my maternal uncle's place just when it started drizzling and i can hear my relatives saying, "hold on, take an umbrella or let us drop you"...i shout back saying, " i would reach home even before it starts raining, dont worry, and anyway its worth walking now than in the hot sun"

I do not wait to see their reactions because i know they would not let me walk in the rain...i hurry up towards the temple across the riverbank where my parents stay in the village...on the way, everybody near their doors offer to drop me or hold me back saying, "you will get drenched"...i would not miss this chance to enjoy the moment and i say again, "i would reach even before it starts pouring, dont worry".

Now i have reached the bridge that i need to cross to reach home...In my hurried attempt to walk, I didnt notice the houses till now but vast openness of the river bank with just sand surrounded by hills in the distance distracts me from my pace...I slow down and stroll by enjoying the view...nothing exemplary could define the way i felt when i saw it...Imagine grey clouds dominating the sky with promises of heavy shower and shadow descending on the earth whereforth the sun was blazing with its scorching heat...just gloomy...but amidst those hills, the sun shines on only one illuminating and so green amongst the other grey hills...I do not know if its common phenomena but for me it was a moment of divinity...I just stood there, no idea how long in the rain, watching the luminous hill with its breathtaking surrounding...I felt hopeful, happy and peaceful to know that i can stop my world for a moment to take such a respite...life, after all, isnt such a drudgery...

Then i hear my uncle, horning and shouting my name, " What is wrong with you? why are you grinning like an idiot in the rain? ". My uncle would be perplexed if i show him the view since its common for them being surrounded by nature.

I just replied, "Dont worry, i will reach home and it still isnt pouring" and ran towards home with the same idiotic grin.

My respite...

I write to make sense of my life…to the point that I seem predictable with my thoughts. Then sometimes I write to see if I am capable and if I have the talent. Again sometimes I write to calm myself when am frustrated or depressed…even to vent my fury. Then sometimes I write for no reason at all.

There is no flow in here nor is there any conclusion...just a moment to breathe in this frenzy world…a moment of vulnerability that you do not want to share with others…writing seems like this constant companion who understands, listens, soothes and inspires me.

How did I live today?

Have you ever wondered why life goes in a direction which can never be understood? I wake up and continue the usual day to day activities of rushing to office, working (not so taxing to your thought process), back home, tired and eat and finally sleep… when I lie down on the bed, then I wonder how did I live today…was there something different?

It’s this continuous restlessness within me that wants me to drop everything and do something else. But I have done that once before; I left my job trying to understand what my dream was all about and what I wanted to do in life. But unfortunately I was frustrated and so I took up another job. Now am not sure if I want to repeat that experience not because the job provides me security but I am unable to identify what is that something different I need to do.

But this restlessness does not stop nor leave me in peace to continue this survival phase. It continuously goads and pushes me that my life is passing away and I am just drifting along. Where are those cues to understand my destiny or directions to pave my own path?

We are too emotional that we don’t tend to be rational most of the time. But then only people who are irrational lead life as it is meant to be. They have the passion to seek and conquer…so where is the question of being logical to attain your goals. No wonder, life is termed as set of contradictions with conflicting messages and pulls from different directions.

wanderings of the quick mind

Its just another day in the office...my mind wanders too far from the report and it cannot decipher the story behind these numbers. Well, i still havent figured out the next phase of my story and here people expect me to provide the interpretation to assist them in their decision making...isnt that too ironical?

This is how my mind latches on the peculiar human trait that we can remain clear/muddled at the same time and you know what is the best part, the fact that these multiple facets of our lives need not be interconnected...so close to understanding these centralization and decentralization terminologies, hah...yah, suddenly i sound borish to myself since once again i cannot figure what am trying to say here...just capturing the thoughts on mind.

I have always liked writing while i think and then look at it to understand if i made any sense...i actually do if not to others then atleast to myself. Do i want others to understand, you could probe but i would bluntly say "no"...these are exclusively to pave my way and if someone can generalize them, then i join those universal set of writers who kickstarts the bandwagon for other to join in the journey.

I still do not make sense....my mind is too quick to complete one thought process before it wants to jump into many...its as impatient as my character though i can put up a very tolerant and patient outlook...now, where were we, yes, lack of interconnection with different reactions to our various facets...that proves it, now i make some sense:)

if i have confused you as much as i confuse myself...then its time to revive our friendship to greater levels because i am not sure i want to be around people who are more clearer than me:)...just another human trait.

What Do I Say?

What do I say?

When life takes me far away from loved ones?
When my family considers me a renegade?
When my struggle is never ending?
When I do not know what I am doing and why I am doing it?
When people say best times are ahead and it eludes always?
When my thoughts are filled with someone not right for me?
When I can forgive and forget but it seems like am taken for a ride?
When I don't care about being someone else and not true to me?
When happiness seems so near to fetch but my talisman is missing?
When sometimes I think it is mad to believe in my dreams?
When life knocks me down and reality dawns with pain?
When I cannot reconcile my imagination and reality?
When unacceptable things become part of my life termed as fate?
When I do not want to open my eyes to see another day?
When I am not sure if you EXIST?

What do I say?

When I find joy in special moments with my family?
When I am soothed by the sunset and the beauty beckons me?
When I can laugh at the twists and turns of my life?
When I realize that somewhere my dreams have come true?
When I think my life is an interesting ride with new experiences?
When my mind is blank with no thoughts and freedom?
When I find my confidence ooze and hope stir again?
When I count my blessings and build new dreams?
When I cannot express the blossom of new love?
When I believe all my decisions are pre-determined?
When I refuse to regret any memory or part of my life?
When I want to consider my life journey set by destiny and not fate?
When I don’t want to close my eyes so not to miss the moment?
When I feel your PRESENCE?

Is this the difference in perception and why do we oscillate between one end to another? Just another question to the never ending list of mine :)

Doing something else

Instead of running towards the gate and away from this office (well my cab is going to leave in exactly 4 mins), i suddenly get the urge to write something...my blog looks desolate without my presence for so long...i have no idea what to fill it with at the moment but i just wanted to scribble something so hasty (hey, do u know best thoughts appear when you are in haste) and now i cannot think anything...another long day and not so but yet so stimulating work...and i wonder where am i going in life...i wonder every night but today it has hit early...ok, really time to go....sometimes we just dont want to think but run/chase/stroll/drag ourselves with life...i wonder why again;)

So Special...

The resonating voice or the strong presence,
The enduring warmth or the familiar scent,
The unconditional love or the wise advice,
What do I say I miss in thee, my hero?

The sweet lullaby or the first memory,
The secured cocoon or the uplifting hand,
The only solace or the healing source,
How do I ever define thee, my idol?

For the wings to fly or the will to seek,
For the blind trust or the forgiving heart,
For the constant courage or undying support,
Where do I begin to thank thee, dearest dad?

yet another musing...

Sleep seems a far away dream, in spite of the tiredness. I like the time spent while drifting off to sleep with the flow of thoughts and distant feelings aroused in me. Today is over, Tomorrow doesn’t matter.

For those few moments, I am different from what I normally am. There is no work, no family, no aspirations nor day dreams. It’s all about the silence of the night and most personal thoughts. I step out of my shell to act emotional about issues that touch a chord in me.

Today it’s about those elderly who we find begging on the streets of India. At every traffic signal, while we wait impatiently for the light to change to green, we find a multitude of beggars passing by us. They either act indolent or too pitiful. Its one among the many we come across so we don’t bother to react. We shoo them away and probably indulge in self pity about our stressed out life.

Then an old man or woman walks by with their muddled glasses, torn clothes and barely a stick to support. I have never been able to look away or think beyond the moment. The land which believes in treating elders with due respect is probably the biggest nation with unsupported elderly begging for alms on the road. I wonder…

I wonder if they are orphans by fate or by the nonchalance attributed to them by our generation in this rat race to survive in the so called ‘fast pace’ life.

Who does it for us?

I have stopped writing for a long time and trying to revive back the interest. The best deviations in life is reading or writing. We are caught up in some other situation or our mind is imagining something beyond the realm of our own problems. I know that running away from problems does not solve them but sometimes we need a break to start again with a fresh mind…ok, that’s a load of crap…we just need a break (no justification needed).

I try writing with set of expectations, “I got to be smart, witty, insightful, blah blah”…then I wonder whom am I trying to impress. I believe that highest expectations for us are set by ourselves. When others like our parents, teachers, managers, friends or anybody sets expectations which are not so close to our own ideals and we are unable to meet them, we tend to blame others. In reality, it’s just the vexation that we cannot even meet these mid level expectations and we might fail to match our perfection standard.

I keep telling myself to go with the flow of life and see where it takes me. Things don’t happen the way we perceive it to be because destiny or just life does have other interesting plans for us. Somewhere along the unknown journey, our most cherished dreams come true (well, slightly modified to the reality). So the sub/unconscious (hate taking direct blames…truly human ;) ) setting of standards got to take its cue and stop the process. I cannot expand my horizon of thought or broaden the meaning of life beyond “ME” if I do not unleash myself with no addendum to life.

Somber eyes filled with awe;
As the precious sight unveiled;
Shivering hands twitched to feel;
The rosy glow of the magnificence.

Laying amidst the stark whiteness;
Nimble fingers curled into a fist;
Eyes, so slumber, parted open;
Arousing the soul wrenching cry.

Strange emotions tore the empty soul
While teary smile creaked the face;
Silent prayers arose from her;
For the bestowed gift sent to solace.