Breakaway

What would it be? urge to break away from the routine of life is pushing the other thoughts away from my mind...the only components i need are awareness of what i want, courage to pursue it and strength to bear the consequences...i dont even know what i want but just the inner turmoil that am not living and just pulling along as days go by.

How complacent am i? this is not what i want to do and there is no sense of fulfillment...how i wish i was different..an artist lost in her paintings, author living in the magical world of her book or someone creative who would live for what they are doing and find the hardwork as enjoyable as the final product.

I wonder if am at the dither end of finding the right path or there is some more wrong paths in my journey...as days go by, destiny seems far far away.

RIGHT NOW...

I wanna...

• eat pankcakes
• ride a cycle on a sleek highway with no vehicles passing by except other cyclers and walkers.
• watch an extremely funny movie in a theatre with popcorn
• sit near a sparkling lake with just silence around
• see a miracle such as snowfall in my village with the streets paved with white snows, villagers walking around in winter clothes, houses glistening with snow, pretty and cold landscape and me with a cup of coffee sitting in the porch and enjoying the view.
• take an early morning walk in marina or eliots beach with light drizzle.
• Sleep while mum and dad's voice is heard while they converse on any random topics with each other.
• Night show in Prarthna theatre outdoor with Uncle and Aunt, Brother and Cousin (me and them...Trio) and the small gals...fun to watch movies there with the family or the long drive to the village with uncle and aunt, we (trio) gossiping in the backseat about the music, roadside shop names and people's expressions, making faces at some vehicles.
• spend a day with my brother and my cousin...like the old days watching movies on star movies on every friday night by bringing our mats, blankets and pillows and dozing off in the hall after the movie gets over very late...comfort of their presence while watching a ghost movie so i can hold on to them during those ghastly scenes.
• experience those moments when you babble with close friends and take off on non stop laughter riot:)
• Long night talks till dawn with friends...

Sigh............

So it rains…

I have been waiting for the downpour in this scorching heat, praying fervently for that shower from heaven…unexpected but at the right time, during the afternoons when the frequent power cuts test the limit of human tolerance to bear the heat.

It is not the relief it brings with the coolness nor the good will to the farmer community, my reasons to need it are just aesthetic…maybe not the right word to describe it but have you ever seen rain, violent fall against environment with no buildings, paved roads or streaming traffic of vehicles and people?

When there is nothing to obstruct the journey from sky to earth with its endearing counterpart, nature as the only landscape…I have no words to describe the wonder it arises in the soul. The humility of being so small against the world and the cloudy horizon like a disappearing vacuum…it could only be called beautiful. The rhythm of the fall with the drum beats of the thunder seems to wake the wilting trees to dance merry to welcome it.

It's the vision I recollect when my days are long and night are never ending. The view from the doorway - of the coconut trees, huge meditative statue of lord hanuman openly drenching in the shower, rain fall and the stretches of green fields. If I turn around, then there is the long dry river bank acting like our private beach, vast hills and the miniscule village with rain making the landscape divine.

I do not need footwear to step into this rain since the grounds here are not littered with the city debris…just water, mud, leaves and the smell of rain…I could drench in its purity and awash my soul from the embitterment of living. Alas, I regret the fall and the cast on my leg that shall not permit me to embrace the joy but just watch as it goes by.

Illiteracy as bygone term…

The other day, I read this article on the education system in our country, specifically the literacy rate vis-à-vis the world average for the children...I need to take a very optimistic view while I say this, maybe I am being unrealistic but does it make sense to even have a yardstick such as world average here? Should the education not be the right of every child born in our country?

I know that am ignoring the facts such as poverty or inequality or the basic fact that even birth certificates do not exist for many children and here I am questioning our education system. If the seeds are not sown today, then where is the question of redeeming the society in the future? How do we make such an impact without laying the foundation of education? Eradicating poverty, increasing per capita income and to be termed as ‘DEVELOPED’ country (sarcasm meant…btw, I do not pay heeds to such a terminology or demarcation as developed and developing, that would be another topic all together to discuss), removing the inequality due to income, caste and gender…how is all this possible without bringing in education as basic need for all.

Maybe its time the government realizes that setting aside 3-4% of GDP is not the solution for increasing the literacy rate. The requirement is not another reform group to suggest what to do and the study report collects dust in the corner of the bureaucratic office…A conscious decision from our political groups not to compromise on the education or its budget…if there are resource constraints, there are always ways to make things works creatively…we have such wise men who have survived the political games to reach the top and have sharpened their shrewdness to remain there…why are they not using those wonderful grey cells to generate this basic improvement?...The most simple way to increase our primary education in the urban area is to follow what graduation colleges do to earn more money through the evening batches…use the similar strategy in school where the schools in city could spare their teaching resource and infrastructure to provide free education for a small group of children who are below the poverty line after the regular school hours are over…while the school teaches and sets the basic morality in their students, maybe they should act upon it and stand as someone who just does not preach but acts upon it too…the government can tie in this as one of the requirements for giving permissions to run schools or meet the standard laid for them. Its part of this noble profession and being socially conscientious would set the pace for the learning of the future generation. I am sure there are many such ideas that could be put in place which can eradicate the biggest evil…lack of education.

While the ways to make education accessible is very important, even the type of education provided to reach the mass carries a significant role as well…what the child needs to develop has to be recognized and the fact that education should support but not hinder their personality is vital. Being a literate, who can read and write, vote with awareness, open mindedness for accepting the required developments in the society and to make the choice of vocation that aid their desire and interest should be the ideal objectives for providing education to every child.

Maybe this would help us achieve the state where we do not talk only about our glorious valorous past but the state of achievement of the present generation…then we can truly stop paying tributes to the British rule that laid the foundation and recognize our countrymen for taking it all the way through.

Adding on...

I know this seems like a continuation of my last writing, but this aspect of music deserves a full write-up because its very significant...the words, sweetly called as lyrics...i am equally obsessed with it...for every song that i had in the music collection, i had strived to collect its lyrics...let me stress that my obsession with it neared the border line...everytime i lost the music and its supporting lyrics due to computer crashes, i would recollect them with the same amount of patience and with no sense of boredom (yeah, i was equally despondent when the system erases all the precious lyrics i had collected)...maybe there are lot of people out there who do the same thing, i dont know but i had to see the lyrics and realize if the words are as powerful as they seem with the flow of music...it is strange that once you listen to a song, you would always associate the rhythm with the lyrics you tend to find later...i mean, your mind would connect them but sometimes i have looked for mood specific lyrics and then searched for the corresponding song.

I do love reading books but the shortest and powerful way to make you think or realize is lyrics...just few words but so meaningful. There are some specific lines that always stay on my mind and luckily, its music has done justice to it. One of my all time favorite is:

And I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand, When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, Or the moment of truth in your lies, When everything seems like the movies, Yeah you bleed just to know your alive.
Courtesy : Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

well, i can never explain the impact of this song and these specific words because i identify many shades of myself with it...its always in explorative phase, dont ask me why:)

Comfort Factor...

Some habits are hard to break and more addictive than any...everyone has such a vice and mine is my constant need for the music...the streaming music, any genre. I enjoy all kind and I listen to some just to understand why it topped the charts...but invariably some appeal and that becomes your infatuation for next few days. It does not have to be the most recent ones either, sometimes i get infatuated with old songs too. Its so connected with my moods and thought process, maybe the phase of my life. As long as its appealing, even the language does not matter to me.

Those long moments when sleep seems eluding, short distances with the jarring traffic noises, never ending long journeys to reach a destination with rising impatience, lost in my work and not requiring any interference and most importantly, when i am alone with my thoughts...those are the times when the music has been my sole companion, soothing and exciting as required and rendering those moments easier to bear...its a fascination that would set the pace of my dreams, lifting the spirits up and clearing the muddles in my mind...crazy as it sounds, i tend to associate any song i play with my situation...there seems to be some connecting factor...i wonder what i would do if i was born in a place where music was banned or it never existed on earth...would surviving life be more harder than it seems now?

I have been able to write about other topics easily than i have struggled to put my thoughts down on my love for music...maybe words are not enough to express its contribution in my life...and the above said is meagre expression of its importance.

Existence...

Surrounded by people but still a loner,
Family to love and protect but never understood,
Work to survive material life but no feat of achievement,
Friends abound and merry but none the sole comfort factor,
Life extends vast and promising but mere survival.

As we go forward in life, we seem to retract our path back to solitary existence...

When I reminisce...

Why do i feel so alive as dusk sets than in the dawn? is it because i hate the normality of the day and love the solitary moments when i reminisce about life? is it those moments when i dont need to act in particular manner to avoid being judged, how could they when the society is asleep and free spirits are awakened? maybe this is what they refer as ghost...the inner soul that questions us, scarier than watching pale visions...hmm, i wonder if the vision is us, burdened by the non-existence of a reason to live.
Reading this, even i would wonder if am unhappy...sometimes i am and sometimes i am not...its not something caused by people or circumstance (maybe they are the sub-factors)...i feel disconnected to my surroundings and i haven't a clue about it. I am not philosophical by nature and i do not want to know life defined by reality...I am unwilling to accept my limitations and go by normality...why cannot people believe in dreams, the great ones and truly believe they would come true..so what if you are a dreamer, we gotta be happy that we atleast feel alive when we dream...i have never been so personal on my blog but it seems to be a backlash to me from my inner thought process...
it gets harder not to think, look around and see how foolish we are sometimes...always wonder if i am a fool or considered as one (btw, not that it matters;))...guess what, i like my own style of foolishness than being normal, caught up so passively in the passage of time.

WHAT AM I??

I have always thought am a stubborn person who would lead my life in my terms or protest. I never knew I possessed the stamina to let go of desires and sit back to let life take me through its myriad paths and transitions. More clinical than I have ever been, detached to the reality and prioritizing someone else’s need seems new to me…does this mean I have grown wise or jaded?

Altering Perceptions...

Does truth creep in those silent moments when we have nothing to think about…Does it strike you when you are laughing for a joke and realize it could have been you…Have you ever wondered why things happen the way they do and then you sense no logic in the flow but its meant to be a learning??

Here is one such thing, I feel burdened with the expectations I have from myself and others…Every one of them laid by the society and none have true human values…why do we always lay conditions to make a friend or partner…aren’t these suppose to be heartfelt and we are suppose to look beyond the obvious. Life seems to be all about education, career and retirement… it seems everyone plans it that way for themselves and those surrounding them…does education need to be a criterion to be intelligent? Does background need to be criterion to show good values? Does presence of family need to be criterion for being stable?

I am not questioning anything here or raising objections against the functioning of society…unless we are part of it, how do we realize the values? I ideally would not want to make decisions based on these factors…I want to believe in goodness, generosity and positive aspect of humanity and not the materialistic aspect…sound like utopia to even mend myself in that manner…I have these thoughts but not the inclination to act upon it…my mind seems to be stereotyped and first thing it seeks is the criteria’s I am opposed to.

Untitled:)

Imagine you don't need to impress anyone with words or actions. You don't need to dress or act smart…just show the rawness of your feelings, express the unexpressed, emote the true reactions and laugh or cry with such atrocity.

Write what flows in your mind, never edit it and make mistakes…well who cares? Don't explain if its not understood…simply not follow logic. Imagine walking away if need be or not being silent in awkward situations…shrug your shoulder when you can’t solve a problem rather than believe you need to have a solution…money is the least consideration…

Don't ask me the question “why?”…just honor these written words.

A faraway dream

In the moment of silence,
I see the graceful presence;
The enlightening vision,
Leads to soulful confession;
Awaken the inner peace,
Bid adieu with eternal hope.

Blessed with your invisible presence in reality, I close my eyes hoping this dream would come true...