Looking back...

I used to write in the past, five years back and had saved few...they seem so much "me" but still different to what i am now...hehe, this is what they mean when they say "books have a great influence in forming your personality"....read on something from yesteryears...


"She observed them laugh and thought to herself how long they would get fooled by her expressions. She wondered if they knew that at the moment she was so detached that she had deliberately planned how she would react. Her silence would bother them and she didn’t welcome those questions that would follow. Her veil was being funny.

She looked outside the window to observe the strangers walking past by. It was interesting to watch their faces. Few had no expressions and few were very obvious. She had perfected her art of camouflage from these unknown. Their expressions were her practice ground.

Her friends looked at her quizzically and she knew they were awaiting her reply. She looked at them and smiled.

The moment her door closed behind the crazy world, her head hung down and her eyes closed. She was relieved to be lonely and the silence caught her attention. She walked into the room and stood by the window looking at the dark sky. Her eyes searched for something to enrapture her.

Her eyes expressed her confusion for the first time. The confusion was replaced by sadness that she was not happy with the normality. She had lost interest in her surroundings and she was indifferent to being alive or dead. Sad state of existence, she thought.

She wondered what would revive life into her. She never believed in relationships. Does the future hold someone who could stir her emotions? She laughed at the idea of her trusting someone to change her life. The irrevocable control comes from self and not others.

She sometimes would muse why she never seemed content with normal feelings and expectations. She never believed that life is what others define. She wanted to know the real purpose of her being in existence.

She sought relief from this monotonous existence. She wanted to stop believing and just experience what comes ahead. Now her mind started querying if she knew what she wanted. There was something beyond her grasp and the quest to explore it seems as exciting as it frustrates. Her reactions to situations were the sole lessons she wanted to learn and exploration was her only survival tactic.

Her way of thinking was unusually romantic. She wondered if she should stick to a form or be formless to adapt to situations. Her traits and her behaviors were suppose to reflect her character. But she wondered who the audience was? Did it really impact them and so what if it did?

Man made the rules on aspect of what he learnt from his wrongdoings. He experienced life through the learning process but not after discovering. It was unfair on society to curb people with these inordinate rules that bound them with fear and mere survival.

Mere rules do not define life. Life is all about being fearless and making mistakes, not deliberately but unconsciously. Nobody experiences life unless they question everything around them. Nothing is taken for granted. Mere life defined by forced belief and predefined way of living was the root cause for abysmal sadness."

how to make it right?

They say a smile can make the difference...just an upward tilt of your lips, not much of an effort but why does it feel so tough to do it? why do we hesitate to take the first step, fearing failure and disappointment.

It had always been easy to emote when i was younger...easier to utter the word 'sorry'. Now i feel the word "sorry" is not enough to repair relationships...a more courageous approach is needed. but do i have the strength to mend it or will i back out fearing criticism, pain and frustration of being unsuccessful...what brings into mind now is the saying that being brave does not mean you do not fear but you realize that something is more important than fear to achieve it. will it work in my case? a question that would find its answer in less than two weeks...